30 Days of Fright – 14: Black Christmas

There’s nothing quite as sad as a missed opportunity. Sit down and take a look at Black Christmas (2006) and you’ll see what I mean. The idea of the film is really really simple:

There’s this house, and it used to belong to this couple. The couple had a child who suffered from an unfortunate medical condition, a buggered up liver, so his skin was an off yellow. The mother was particularly upset by this so she abused him and locked him in the attic. The child grew up, the mother had another child, a girl this time who’s a little more normal. There are some murders.

Now the house belongs to a sorority full of spoilt women. The young lad has grown up and has escaped from a mental hospital and has returned home to kill some people. Oh yeah, it’s Christmas. Then at the end there’s a big twist.

Perky!

The missed opportunities are plentiful with this movie. Let’s be kind and start with the piss poor script that drags things out for ages and ages before you get to see any murder. Or the shocking casting decisions. Or the way you don’t care for anyone in the film. Or how, because the potential victims in the house don’t realise they are in danger, there’s no sense of dread or fear on their behalf.

Ah fuckit, let’s cut to the chase here: This is a film about a bunch of attractive college age girls in a house together on a cold winters night and THERE’S NO FUCKING NUDITY! There’s no girl on girl kissing, no running around in underwear – there’s barely any sideboob action. What the fuck was going on at the studio that authorised a film like this, with rakes of young girls and not a single reason for lads to watch it?

My indignation is real because I sat all the way through Black Christmas always expecting something to happen to relieve the boredom, but alas nothing did. This is one seriously dull film, even the attempts at gore towards the end fall terribly flat. Unlike the girls.

Two Thumbs Down For Black Christmas.

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